Highs and lows, happiness and desperation, at sea without a paddle, feeling so lost that you think the unthinkable...that is how I have felt for a couple months now...not knowing why but after about 2 hours and some insight and an explanation and direction...I have a reason.
I feels a little funny feeling calm after always feeling panicky, anxious and nervous for as long as I can remember...I now know what the problem so now I can work towards finding a solution for me, anything else after...1 step at a time...relief is a word that comes to mind when i think of how i feel, although I know I have a problem...just knowing that feels great. This was the right choice at the right time...thank you lord for guiding me in the right direction

I don[t understand what is happening to me, what am I becoming?, am I loosing it? A few months ago I would never of dreamed to doing anything like that. Why can't I shake this feeling, its not even pain anymore its just emptiness and tense emotion, mixed with paranoia and fear. Life feels like its in a tail spin. I have come to realization that it can't be just about her anymore it must be something a lot deeper, this was just the trigger. Something is fundamentally wrong with the way I am feeling and how I am expressing it. I would be easy to blame her for all this but that is the easy way out. I need to do some soul searching, some calming down, free my self of these burdens self imposed burdens. God shall be my guide, only through him can i come through this.

To push someone away is painful, to then be there friend is harder, but when that person strives to better them self from the experience, when that person tries to be the best friend possible cause they can no longer be anymore, don't believe that the change has everything to do with you that is so self-centered, to think that person can only change to pursue you, to think his life quest is to spite you by being a better person...is not right...you are demeaning that person, your are belittling them to think that they are unable to strive to be better without it being about YOU, the pain you caused may have had something to do with it but that is where it stops...your influence may have been great but that was before you threw the first stone...one those not just stop caring about someone, for me that doesn't go away you may not feel as strongly but an offering of friendship shows true love after a heartbreak, it shows how much that person cares enough to overlook what ever pain you caused...when there is a bad situation you take what good comes out of it...just accept the good

Low and behold Saturday morning what would i find in my draw, a tape with different videos of two ppl freshly in love, to be honest both ppl retarded in the video i near piss my self laughing at the total mushyness and cuteness. The tape also had my lil bro when he was a bit younger he was hilirious omg, he was practing for a play in the video, he had to say "good morning everyone" with his hands outstreched, halfway through the boy has a tape in his hand and is searching for somewhere to put lol lifting up his shirt and doing everything but practice. He so cute throught out but the clips of the couple are to die for there is even a part on the video where they set a marriage date...awwwwwwwwww lol but also nuff dangerous stuff in that video ppl names gettin called and thing lol anyway was a fun morning mike out

I was just sitting here today listening to some music and breezing sorta bored,
then i remembered something I was told when i was younger that has guided me throughout my life, it went something like " don't ever let anyone stop you from achieving what you want, don't let anyone tell you that what you have faith in or believe in will not happen, because at the end of the day when everything else is gone those are the online things your going to have left",
Looking back at that it is so inspirational and more so its so true,
I'm asking my friends opinion about what i should do, but its my decision, don't get me wrong their opinions are worth everything to me but because I am confronted with giving up my beliefs, my faith, what i want to achieve I must make this decision on my own.
And you know what I will fight for what I want, for what i believe in and I will succeed despite all odds... "Should I give up or should I keep chasing pavement. even if it leads to where"...I will chasing pavements because I believe there is something at the end of that road!!! even tho it might not be what i looking for

So I've doing the gym thing all week took a rest day on Thursday, but i woke up this morning and had a great workout, had a light breakfast and took my vitamins...feeling great.
I want to have a great day, maybe with friends and family if God permits, I also am looking for to a great weekend, with some studying planned and a day out with my bro and also to celebrate the accomplishments of a good friend...so proud the hard work is paying off. Had one slight issue about waking up s early but i'm over it i think, it gave me think to plan my day and get in the workout and breakfast so can't complain. Mike out

Ya know these past couple days have not been easy, sometime during each day I am given a reminder of you and what we had but I am starting to realise that it might not be so bad to remember just from the right perspective. I remember the bad that i would have done and learn from that but also I mostly remember the good :). I remember the walks on the beach, sharing chips at BCC, walking to town, playing fighting (were I won :P), movies, oh lord the partying ( east coast was on!!!), the time we just sat and breezed and talked...( I could go on and on but that is not what this about. After somewhere between 2 and 1/2 to 3 + yrs together I am on my own, its sorta exciting but scary, ain't quite get used to those lonely moments yet, but lots of things to do for me, I guess that is what u meant about finding yourself. I feel like this contract was a wake up call not for me to fix the relationship but to fix my life. I feel like I can be a better person and maybe when u find yourself and I do the same we might find each other but i not banking on it, i'll leave it to whatevea decides that ( fate or destiny or whatever). All I know for sure is that I can be a great friend to you and you the same to me. I got a new lease on life and I thank you for that. I hope to add to your life in a positive way like you have done for mine. This is mike breathing for the first time in a long time like a free man..YEEE!!!!